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Lone Woman at a Bar

The night was heavy with potential – the moon was full in the clear sky. She had reached her patience with friends that were busy on the nights she was free, which were rare. She had been neglecting this beautiful outfit in her closet way too long. It clung in all the right places and made her feel comfortable and confident. She pushed open the door to the restaurant. Just as expected, the lounge area was loud and lively. This was one of her favorite restaurants and she loved the vibe and ambient music. There was one seat available. She gulped and sat down. A moment of panic. What would people think she was doing there by herself? Would they think she was pathetic? Would they be friendly and curious? Would the bartender have time to talk to her?

Surveying the restaurant bar, she contemplated her choices:

• Smile at everyone and make eye contact immediately to stir up conversation.
• Get settled quietly. Explore the menu, ask the bartender questions. Stay to herself and stare at the tv.
• Do nothing but “be”. Listen to the music. Sip a curious cocktail and feel the vibe.

I recently had a conversation with a therapist that I came across that specializes in dating and relationships. She told me that she assigned this type of outing to her female clients. I was fascinated by this type of advice. This seemed like the ultimate challenge during a time of dating apps when men are hesitant about making moves that aren’t online.

What if she forces herself out of her comfort zone to navigate socializing alone? What if she didn’t? In her mind, these were some possibilities.

• She is approached by a mysterious, charismatic man with an interesting story.
• A group will engage her in a lively topic.
• She could gulp down two glasses of wine and find some liquid courage to become unhinged and playful. (this should be followed up by bread to soak up the alcohol!)

The reality is, when we are alone, we attract different situations and people. Some amazing, some dodgy, but most likely not what you will find on dating apps. This is real life business. Remember that? It’s messy and beautiful. Dangerous and rewarding, Exciting and powerful.

Here are some additional tips to go out solo as a woman:

• Choose a location that is your vibe, your music, your crowd.
• Bring a book or journal. Scrolling too much on your phone kind of defeats the purpose.
• Trust your intuition and make clear boundaries for yourself and those around you.
• Consider a night with live music or events.
• Be open to making friends, not just a potential mate.
• Socialize and get familiar with bartenders and waitstaff.
• Consume alcohol responsibly
• Conversation starters:
  • “Have you tried any of these drinks or appetizers on the menu?”
  • “I’m new in town, do you have any recommendations for places or events nearby?”
  • Compliment someone’s outfit, etc. Ask where they got it.
  • Discuss travel plans or past travels.
  • Express interest in learning about people’s stories. Everyone’s path is unique.

At the end of the day, pay close attention to your intuition. If you get a bad vibe, remove yourself from it immediately. We are so stuck in our own ways of doing things. Sometimes we need to create our own adventure and possibly even find a new tribe. The key is to get out there and try.